After I retired, my wife
insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most
men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to
browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the
local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your
husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints
against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our
video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee
and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting
involved causing management to lose time and costing the company
money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag
of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows
and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty
children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right
into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department,
he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3:
Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission
Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced
his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK
ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where
the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed
out.
As an employee of Wal-Mart, sadly, I can see these things actually happen.
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